Are our friends our real soulmates?

Yesterday, after taking an unplanned nap that caused me to miss a meeting (oops) You can probably guess how hard it was to fall asleep early that night. So as most 20-somethings I take to my phone and browse the socials. If I’m being honest, Facebook is totally my favorite platform right now. I think It’s because I’m getting older haha. On Facebook there are so many videos shared, be it happy or sad they’re all great. I came across a video of a girl waiting on her best friend at a train station. It was captioned something like “when you haven’t seen your best friend in so long” once the two spotted each other they rushed into each others arms and fell to the ground as they continued to hug and love each other. I shared this video with my best friend who is coming to visit me next week. The excitement that I feel when I have friends visiting is so immense. I’m so proud of my friends and I can’t help but brag about how great they are. Sounds familiar right? Sounds like a relationship.

I got to thinking about my friends and the depth of our friendship. While I’ve been single for years; I’ve never truly felt single. That’s because I’ve always had my girls. What a blessing right? The first year I moved here my friends came to spend my birthday with me in 18 degree weather (they’re all from Texas) so I didn’t have to spend it alone. In college when I lost my dog, my friend Rachel stayed by my side and made sure I ate and moved around because I was deeply depressed. Nearly everyday I can count on my friend Allison to pick up the phone and talk about anything or nothing. I love these girls so much.

As I move forward in life and continue my search for the one, I stop and think, would it be the worst if I never find him? I happy to say I don’t think it would. Though our lives change and the time we spend together grows shorter and shorter I know that I can always depend on my  friends. Men come and go and will betray you over and again. Your friends ladies, they’re the ones who will be there for you to wipe away your tears (and plot revenge haha).

In the spirit of November and Thanksgiving, take the time to thank your best friends for all they do and mean to you.

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What Women Want

For the past week I have truly been in love. Don’t you ever have those moments when you’re just IN LOVE. Sure, I’m still single as a pringle but single people still feel. All week I’ve been listening to some of my favorite Jazz artists; Etta James, Kat Edmonson, and Melody Gardot. All of their lyrics have really spoken to me. At the same time I’ve been enjoying some of my favorite films; What Women Want and You Got Mail. What do these things have in common? Love and Jazz.

I started to wonder if love like this still exists? Where could I find it? Where are the men that take you out on really romantic dates? Where are the men who will slow dance with you until the sun rises? What happened to that kind of love? When did love become something of such low value? I wish so very much that I had answers to these questions. I wish I knew why falling in love is so out of style? I want it to come back; come back now. The world is a better place when people are in love.

I don’t know when it happened, but somehow a switch went off and the world decided it wasn’t ok to fall in love. The world decided that falling in love was for chumps. We’re all going to play games and break hearts, that’s what the cool people are doing these days. Then call me a chump. I want the kind of love that Etta and Ella sing about; a Sunday kind of love. I want a love that’s true and real. The kind of love that everyone can feel when they see it. Why don’t people want this anymore? I just don’t get it.

We need more people out there vouching for love. Let’s bring love back. The world needs it. It’ll be a lot like finding a four leaf clover, but I plan on finding this kind of love. Romance, fun, and laughter. What more could you want? And while we’re at it, let’s bring back Jazz. Such beautiful music and lyrics to match. Straight from the heart. To many, romancing a woman, treating her to a lovely dinner, and dancing with her may seem out of date or “old- school” but these are the things that women want. These are the things that I want. These are the things I’ll wait for.

No Love For Black Girls, Minnesota

All my single ladies can agree that after you’ve been single for sometime your friends and family start to dig in deeper and ask questions like, “what kind of guys are you into?” Living in Minnesota I’ve had friends ask me, “Do you like white guys?” Well I damn well better like them! This is Minnesota, If I don’t like white men then dating is going to be super hard… You all know about the Tindering I’ve been doing here; I’ve put in some real effort guys! So believe me when I say that what I’m about to say is truly based on facts and my experience dating here in Minneapolis. White men do not want to date me.

Why? Hell if I know! I have fought myself from saying ” It’s because I’m black” for a really long time, but even with my greatest flaws I just cannot explain why dating is soo hard for me here. So this is what I have come up with. Let me break it down for you.

In the two years that I’ve been here I have spent 90% of it on Tinder, swiping my little fingers away. From the very beginning I started out with other single (white) friends. They are now in long-term relationships. Lets go through the differences: Every friend I have in Minnesota has been on actual dates with someone they matched with on Tinder. Be it a bourbon tasting, dinner at a nice restaurant, or a casual stroll and ice cream. Meanwhile, my inbox is blowing up with guys asking me, “Sex?” and “Are you my pinky toe? Because I want to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.” Not even kidding about that last one. True story y’all. I can’t help but ask myself, “Why don’t I get asked on fun dates?!” I think I have it figured out.

In Minnesota where the population is nearly all-white, while interracial dating does exist here it certainly is not common. Now I know what your thinking, “Hey I know a couple!” I’m willing to bet that couple is white (woman) and black (man). But how often do you see that reversed? Very rare. Now this is in no way a bashing blog or disrespect to white men out there. But hear me out. I believe that in this region (I can’t speak for any other area) It’s not that white men don’t find black women attractive, we totally get that we’re attractive to white men, but the problem is we may be too different to take seriously. We’re seen as “fun” or “something to try out” but not “dating material.” I believe that some men figure let me try this out, then when it gets serious they decide I better end this because their family won’t accept it or it’s just too different. Why go the challenging route when you can stick to what you know?

Lastly, I know you’re thinking, “Chelsea forget the white boys; go get you a black man!” Well I don’t know if you’re familiar with Minnesota, but it’s slim picking out here sistas. And honestly, they aren’t interested either. I will maybe match with 1 out of 20 black guys on Tinder. They would much rather date a white girl. Hence those interracial couples I spoke of earlier. So who the hell are you going to date?! Your guess is as good as mine. I’m not one to give up nor am I one to generalize, so while I stand by my words, I truly believe that the right person will come to me in time. His skin color doesn’t matter to me, rather his heart and mind are what interest me.

Dating is always hard, but for a strong black woman in Minnesota it’s particularly harder. However, as stated earlier, I won’t give up; as strong black women typically don’t.

What About Your Husband?

Recently, I made match #314651 on Tinder (still keeping the hope alive) and something rare happened. The guy I matched with didn’t ask me if I wanted to hookup or what my bra size was, instead he wanted to know what interested me and what was important in my life. He had made it clear that marriage and a family was important to him; and I genuinely respected that. However, when I let out the words “My career” I was hit with, “What about your husband?” I have to admit I was taken back, I couldn’t believe that a guy who seemed so well put together and so smart, could be so shallow. I replied, “What about him?” he asked me, “What about HIS dreams?” Still, I could not comprehend what I was reading. Why is it that in 2016 it is still expected of a woman to put her husband’s dreams first and hers on the back burner to burn to ashes? I expressed my confusion and asked, “Why can’t we both have our dreams?” He said that they both require the same thing, time, and that if a woman’s time was in her career, she would not have the time her husband needs and expects of her. My blood boils as I am writing this. You see no matter how much time has passed, how many hurdles we have jumped over, men and society still want and expect us to “abide by our womanly duties.” I’ m here to say that I won’t do it; I can’t do it.

Many girls grow up dreaming of their wedding day and marrying the man of their dreams, I was one of those girls, and then I became a woman. As a woman I set goals for myself and realized that we go out of this world the same way we come into it; alone. Do I still have dreams of marriage and wedded bliss? Absolutely! But what I won’t do is let that define my life. In a perfect world, I will have the career of my dreams that I worked so very hard for and I will have the husband of my dreams who prayed for me as I did for him, and together we will love and support each other in anyway possible so that my dreams become his and his mine. Is that a radical concept? I don’t think so.

I’m a little ashamed to say that I actually continued talking to this guy for some time and tried to force it as a person who has been single for year often does, but things have a way of working out the way they’re supposed to; see ya! For weeks that comment has been stuck in my head, and I’d hear it over and over again as if it had come from his mouth and not his fingers. So while my opinion may not be the most popular among many, there’s no negotiating when it comes to my life. We only get one and I want to go out with a bang.

I Don’t Want to be a Mother; Here’s Why

I don’t want to be a mother. It seems as though I have repeated this phase over and over again. Every time I get the same responses, “Oh you’ll change your mind”, “When you fall in love things will change”, “It’s just a phase.” As much as this infuriates me I don’t get mad at anyone when they tell me such things. I’ve come to accept that it’s not their fault. We live in a modern world but things are still traditional and old world in a sense. Women are still not making as much as men, women are still fighting for leadership positions in their careers, and women are still expected to bare children. Now don’t get me wrong, children are great! However, take the time to think about what having children means. It’s not something you just do, having children should be something you take care of and really think about. There are finances to think about, having to be accountable for another human being for a minimum of 18 years; it’s a lot of work guys.

I recently broke the news to my mother about my decision (which I’ve had for several years.) When I told her she replied, “What?! You don’t want kids?!” she wasn’t mad but more so shocked. I explained to her that I didn’t think my time on this earth would be best spent as a mother. She didn’t seem to understand either way. Funny thing is for the longest time I had a hard time explaining to others why I am choosing not to have children. It wasn’t until a recent episode of Chelsea on Netflix that I was able to put it in words. MY TIME ON THIS EARTH WOULD NOT BE BEST SPENT AS A MOTHER. Honestly when I heard those words come from Chelsea Handler I almost cried. It is the most perfect way to describe my decision. You see the question isn’t whether I’d be a good mother, I’d be a great mom, possibly the greatest. However would I be the happiest mom? Most likely no.

I have always been the type of person to give my all in anything I do. As a mother I would give my all and that would mean sacrificing my career, and that I will not do. While most young girls dreamt about picketed fences and fresh baked pies at dinner, I always had dreams of living in a big city in a chic condo kicking ass in my career. That’s how it always was. I did dream about marriage but children were never apart of the picture.

The thing is that while women have come a long way, we can now vote, work, and run for president, some things are still considered taboo; like not having children. If you decide not to have children something must be wrong with you right? But we have the option to choose, to choose how to live our best life possible. I will not have children because society says I should. I have the power to choose my own happiness no matter what judgmental eyes may tell me. That being said, I look forward to being the “Cool Aunt” and spoiling the shit out of them.

Nobody asks why you chose to have children so why do we ask why why they choose not to have children? Everyone has their own version of happiness and it’s time we respect them all.

 

 

When Beyonce Gives You Lemons; Make Lemonade

If you would have told me a few months ago when I started this blog that I would have an entry about Beyoncé, I would have laughed in your face. I have always been able to appreciate Beyoncé with her talent and catchy songs and I even gave my support recently and got in formation. However, on Thursday April 28th something weird happened, I think I became a Beyoncé fan. Now my fellow Beyhive friends, please don’t get too excited, I’m not one of you just yet, but this album is a game changer for sure. I have a few words for Lemonade: Love, Pain, and Power.

Love. It’s what makes the world go ’round right? Everyone wants it whether we admit it or not. Although Beyoncé and “Hova” Jay -Z keep their marriage under wraps for the most part. The pieces that we see we all want, or is “goals” as everyone says. I have to commend them as a couple on how well they try to keep their life private from all of us; good for them. One thing I can always say about Beyoncé is she has always sung about love in a beautiful yet relatable way. Whats the secret? Could it be that they have real problems like everyone else?? SHOCKER.

Pain. This shocked me the most about this album. I would have never guessed that Queen Bey would air out her dirty laundry. But she did girl and it was dirty. Regardless on whether you believe “Becky with the good hair” really exists or is just a marketing tactic, this kind of stuff happens to the average woman, and you know you’ve wanted to “fuck a bitch up” once or twice behind your man.

Power. Probably the least noticed aspect of Lemonade. While we’re all trying to figure out who “Becky” is we’re missing out on all the important information Bey is trying to tell us! Like politics, race, and social issues. Watching the Lemonade film was like watching a movie, each video so strategically tied together to make one magical piece of artwork.

In conclusion, take these three things and use them as guides; especially all my ladies. We often hear that there aren’t any role models anymore in our day and time. Well I’m here to tell you there is and there’s a reason they call her queen. The series of events in lemonade can be interpreted in several different ways, but take some of these examples as a head start.

– Relationships are hard, but if you work at them they can be worth it.

– Everyone has dirty laundry; even QUEENS.

– Stay WOKE on what is really going on around you; your life and opinions matter.

– Women are powerful; don’t let anyone or anything get in your way.

Beyoncé gave me Lemonade, and I drank the hell out of it.

 

Y Tu Mama Tambien

*** DISCLAIMER*** This is not an ode to that soft-core porno indie film you’re too embarrassed to tell people you watched.

I read an article the other day (aka I saw something on Facebook that involved words) that listed each zodiac sign with their perfect match. I’m a Sagittarius, my perfect match is a Leo according to this list. It’s no surprise to me that the only Leo I have ever loved is my mom.

How deep is your love for your mother? Mine is pretty deep, it wasn’t always like that though and I’ll happily take all the credz for that. My mom and I work best when we are far far away from each other. We love each other very much but we’re so much alike that all my I life I remember us fighting like crazy. It wasn’t until I decided to move 3 hours away for college that we became the lovely pair we are today. We became even closer now that I live 19 hours away in another state. This blog is a result of my struggle here. So it has been pretty tough for me, and I’m not ashamed to tell anyone about how much my mom helps me out. I would not be here without her help that’s for sure. That’s why I would do anything for her; anything.

So when your mom is having problems in her personal life, you automatically go to “well maybe I should move back to Texas; for her” but then you think well that wouldn’t do me any good. It’s so hard to be the oldest child and not really have your shit together yet. I want so badly to give my mom the support she continues to give me. However, I also have to think about what that means for me. No matter how big my struggle, I have never wanted to move back to Texas, it’s just not the place for me. And I love my mom dearly but let’s be real, how fun would it be to live with her again? I’m willing to bet not that much fun. So what are my alternatives?

I’ve decided that for now I will put moving on hold. I want to be there for my mom but I’m pretty sure that is not the answer. Instead, I will work harder to find time to spend with my mom. Mother/daughter trips, surprise trips homes, etc. I can never repay mom for all she has done for me but I’m determined to try. She is my true soul mate.